Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.