When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
You Might Also Like
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Chemical wingman
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”