The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow