ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.