[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.