i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
me adding lol on a serious message
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?