me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit