Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I did not eat the cake…
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
This is my bus stop.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!