Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.