PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Sniffing the broccoli
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?