Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
This classic never gets old . . .
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.