My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
You Might Also Like
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Who chose this font
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.