My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Support your local cemetery
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
What about a To-Don’t List?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés