Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.