My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
You Might Also Like
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Breaking news:
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
when mom throws a party…
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos