Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.