“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
You Might Also Like
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
🤣😂
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.