I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
You Might Also Like
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
3: Mommy, I love you. Youâre the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
As the kingâs food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since youâre so bad.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. Iâm very secretive
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle đĄđĄ
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The wifeâs clearing out the fridge before vacation so Iâve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
âThis is so relaxing, better than going outâ, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
âWHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?â
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
creepiest cooking vid iâve ever seen
I donât get to work from home but that wonât stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.