ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Cndnsd Mlk
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.