3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos