The “baby” on the left….
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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”