I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
FINE, I WON’T.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.