MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
❤️🦆
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
im all 3
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
cats when you pet them too long:
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists