I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
You Might Also Like
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter