People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me driving through Toronto
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.