I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Bill is short for Billiam
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing