I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.