You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!