There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there