Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus