They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
In case you needed to hear it:
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.