Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row