I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?