Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan