[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“so what brings you to therapy today?”