{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
giddy up Office Depot
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*