GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit