ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I’m crying im so happy for them
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)