cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!