Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
@ candidates for local office
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”