If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.