Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I identify as an antique shop.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?