ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
#StillHurts
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.