I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.