Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO