confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin