My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there