Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.