him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.