I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY